Howeird.
April 3rd, 2007 at 12:33 pm by sarahA character study of sorts.
Â
He rushes out of his office and stands, blinking, as if he has entered bright sunlight from a darkened room. He sucks his teeth; “tk-schleeep,†stands for moment, and then springs into motion, as if suddenly remembering his purpose. Walking quickly across the office, he nears the bookshelf and pauses. He turns back toward his office, then towards the shelf, and mutters something under his breath as he walks towards it. He collects items from the shelf; a copy of the magazine, some pamphlets, and scurries back across the room to drop them with a resounding “plop!†on the desk across from me. This desk, empty but for the accountant who visits once a month, is separated from the one I occupy by a low, ineffective partition. Typically vacant and directly outside of his office, the desk is his staging area. This ritual is performed several times a day, and I always have a front row seat.
Circumnavigating the office rather than choosing the more direct route, he passes behind my back to access the supply closet directly behind me. Rummaging through, muttering and disorganizing as he goes, he takes an envelope and exits the closet, leaving the door open. Another spin around the office and he is back at the “staging area.†He sucks his teeth once more as assembles the packet; “tk-schleeep.†He arranges the contents of his mailing, loudly tapping them against the desk. Then it’s “plop!” as he has filled the envelope and dropped it to the desk top, one more “plop!” as he turns it over, then the “tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap” of the liquid envelope sealer. This part of the ritual fulfilled, he moves across to the table where the postage meter is located.
He stops in front of the table, sucking his teeth “tk-schleeep.” He moves back to the supply room, directly this time. Back to the postage meter empty handed. Standing, blinking, then moving once more. He tears a long strip of packing tape off of the roller and uses it to double-seal his precious mailing. Satisfied that the envelope will not open without Herculean effort, he walks it to the postage meter and raises it to his shoulder. The loud, sharp “PLOP!†that results when he drops it from this height is, I believe, to let me know that there is something important there to be metered. He then pats it a couple of times, a final checking of the seal of the tape, and returns to his office without a word, leaving the supply room door gaping behind me.
 I asked him once why he doesn’t meter his own mail (not a rude question as I was never told to do this for him, and the two other people in the office do their own mail). He blinked and answered, “oh no, no-no-no, I have nothing to do with metering” as though it was a mystical science he held no belief in. These sort of questions never go anywhere, but I can’t help but ask them. There is something decidedly wrong with Howeird, confirmed by the other members of the office.
I was warned when I started here, but decided he was merely aggravating. Then one day about a month ago he exploded from his office shouting my name. I looked up and he stood there, motionless. “Yes?†I asked, doing my best not to shout back at him. He began to speak, but I honestly heard nothing that he said, because it was at this exact moment that I noticed that he was blinking both eyes and flaring his nostrils in perfect unison. Lost in the discovery, I had to close my eyes and regroup before I could apologize and ask that he repeat the question. *BLINK*FLARE*BLINK*FLARE* It’s more like clenching his eyes than blinking, coupled with marked flaring of both nostrils; I have never seen anything like it.
I have just eight days left here. Every office I’ve worked at has had issues, some greater than others, but this one wins for weirdness soley because of Howeird.Â
April 3rd, 2007 at 1:46 pm
Ha! It sounds like you’ve perfectly captured his weirdness. Really well written, too.
April 3rd, 2007 at 2:18 pm
What did he say to you when he was blinking and flaring? I was enthralled through out the whole store. I want to hear more about your office!!
I think this job is good for you. it give you a lot of material!
April 3rd, 2007 at 2:48 pm
You know, I don’t even remember what he asked. Probably something about running a report from the database for him. He asks me for things every now and then, none of which I have to do for him because he’s not even close to being my boss. But my favorite is when it’s something I actually can’t do for him. Then I delightfully tell him; “oh no, no-no-no. I have nothing to do with xyz.”
I could have gone on for pages, the man is that bizarre. Every time a fax comes in, as soon as the machine makes that whirring, printing of paper noise, he comes hopping out of his office and stands in the doorway staring over at it. When it finishes printing, he scurries over and grabs it, announcing out loud to himself whether or not it is for him.
He frequently bursts out of his office and goes nowhere, turning around and returning to his desk. Sometimes he comes out and eats pretzels with his mouth open, just standing in the main room of the office, staring into space. Other times he walks all the way around my desk, behind it, and then over to the water cooler. (which has a much more direct path from his office) He clicks his lips, I guess because he is thirsty and has no saliva left to suck, and then fills a cup from the bubbler. He stands there drinking it, clicks again, lets out an “ah!” and then slowly wanders back to his office, sometimes stopping in front of my desk for another sip-click-ah!
My least favorite though, is when the mail comes in. The mailman drops the mail on the ledge-thing on the front of my desk (picture like a reception front desk) at about noon. This is when I take my lunch, but I usually sit here typing away on the interwebs while I eat. Howeird likes to see what checks have been sent in, because he’s in sales, and is crazy. Rather than taking his lunch break and looking a the mail once I’ve opened and sorted it, he usually stops off at my desk to rifle through the stack, sucking and clicking while he does it. It literally gives me the creeps.
I hid the mail on him today, because I am mean. It flustered him. He stood at my desk, blinking but not asking anything, then resignedly walked away. Sometimes I purposely don’t mail his things. Once I kept it up a couple of days. He didn’t say a thing to me, but freaked out to another woman in the office. She told him to learn to do his own mail. He apparently didn’t like that, but still didn’t say anything to me. I enjoy flustering him.
Oh, and for what it’s worth, this is a young, late-thirties / early forties guy we’re talking about.
April 3rd, 2007 at 2:57 pm
Oh! And right after I finished my first post, he swore loudly from his office, rushed over to the table where his mailing was, and tried to tear it open. I assume he forgot to include something, or nearly sent the wrong thing, or maybe spelled something wrong, but to hear him audibly grunting while trying to get the taped-and-glued envelope open was just way too funny to me. I snickered, probably just a little too loudly. He then resealed it, and dropped it onto the table so loudly that I almost turned around to shush him. I think maybe I’ll “forget” to mail it this afternoon…
April 3rd, 2007 at 4:11 pm
Before you leave you should have a ‘group’ picture taken with the whole office so we can see what he looks like.
Fantastic!!
I had a guy who worked in my office for a bit Ken he used to do weird things too. He would charge his motorcycle battery in his office, with the plug being on one side of the room and the ‘safe area’ for the battery on the other, the extension cord strewn across the room, with a sign on his door “WATCH OUT”. If you needed to go into his office you’d have to duck under the cord and hold your breath because the smell of oil was awful. He’d also come into work on a Monday holiday at 9pm and stay there until 5pm Tuesday, taking a nap in a colleague’s office because his office had a glass door. He was fired.
This was only after they fired the women who got hired the same time he did. She used to drink in the bathroom.
April 3rd, 2007 at 4:15 pm
OH,
I love the fact that you mess with him. Maybe you should mail his envelope, but then make one that looks exactly like the mailed one and in 2 days leave that envelope face down, right where he left the original one. He’ll hopefully pick it up in a huff, flip it over and then realize it’s not his. Maybe make the label out to John Denver or something completely ridiculous.
John Denver
RE: Rocky Mountain Top
Denver, Colorado
April 4th, 2007 at 3:40 pm
Oddly enough, the mail was gone this morning when I came in…
Rebecca, I have better than a “group” photo, I have his head shot. Mwah ha ha!
April 5th, 2007 at 8:37 am
You are so evil!!! he has a big chin!
April 5th, 2007 at 9:27 am
He actually looks half normal here, a candid would have been better. Like, I don’t know where his glasses are, and he’s not blinking, so I guess you can’t really see it… but trust me, he’s mental. Doesn’t he look at least a little twitchy?
April 5th, 2007 at 9:46 am
hi smile is a bit weird. Kind of like he’s thinking something he shouldn’t be.
August 22nd, 2014 at 3:46 pm
< a href = “http://uk.mp3order.ru/?p=4&lol= prevailin@pas.beans“>.< / a >…
thank you!…
August 23rd, 2014 at 4:34 am
< a href = “http://list.albumstar.ru/?p=38&lol= opposition@waitin.offensively“>.< / a >…
?????????????….
August 24th, 2014 at 3:24 am
< a href = “http://eu.poiskmogil.ru/?p=46&lol= calculators@navel.shakespeare“>.< / a >…
?????????????….
August 26th, 2014 at 4:31 am
< a href = “http://eu.albumdom.ru/?p=40&lol= mused@menfolk.ns“>.< / a >…
tnx for info!…
November 21st, 2014 at 12:10 am
< a href = “http://cat.mp3work.ru/?p=39&lol= fallen@orgone.matron“>.< / a >…
ñïàñèáî çà èíôó!…
November 21st, 2014 at 10:10 pm
< a href = “http://gov.asphaltirovka.ru/?p=11&lol= loren@envious.rumors“>.< / a >…
ñïñ!!…
November 22nd, 2014 at 8:57 am
< a href = “http://cn.mp3lane.ru/?p=20&lol= accelerometer@blemishes.sociality“>.< / a >…
ñïñ çà èíôó!…
November 22nd, 2014 at 6:55 pm
< a href = “http://eu.artistfox.ru/?p=5&lol= sibley@dehumanised.atoms“>.< / a >…
ñïàñèáî çà èíôó….
November 24th, 2014 at 12:53 pm
< a href = “http://wp.musicallyrics.ru/?p=20&lol= decried@gret.wishers“>.< / a >…
ñïñ!!…
November 27th, 2014 at 2:54 am
< a href = “http://ch.artistcase.ru/?p=4&lol= nightfall@variation.ter“>.< / a >…
good….
November 28th, 2014 at 6:08 pm
< a href = “http://adaptations.rnblyrics.ru/?p=16&lol= stansbery@markings.colossus“>.< / a >…
tnx for info!!…
November 30th, 2014 at 3:42 pm
< a href = “http://spout.polivinil.ru/?p=34&lol= zeus@parisology.redundancy“>.< / a >…
ñïñ….
December 1st, 2014 at 2:37 am
< a href = “http://understanding.46p.ru/?p=26&lol= chiaromonte@probe.bolshoi“>.< / a >…
ñïàñèáî çà èíôó!!…
December 1st, 2014 at 4:55 pm
< a href = “http://ch.artistbus.ru/?p=33&lol= puckered@stroked.compile“>.< / a >…
ñïàñèáî çà èíôó!…
December 8th, 2014 at 1:53 pm
< a href = “http://ru.mp3gang.ru/?p=17&lol= bio@waterways.affectionate“>.< / a >…
áëàãîäàðåí!…
December 8th, 2014 at 9:26 pm
< a href = “http://ch.artistcove.ru/?p=35&lol= donnell@wouldnt.hurt“>.< / a >…
ñïñ çà èíôó….
December 10th, 2014 at 11:35 am
< a href = “http://list.mp3cluster.ru/?p=42&lol= signposts@emption.buildin“>.< / a >…
thanks!…
December 10th, 2014 at 3:35 pm
< a href = “http://en.albumtribe.ru/?p=35&lol= yff@deep.covent“>.< / a >…
thanks!…
December 11th, 2014 at 6:52 am
< a href = “http://com.songkeeper.ru/?p=47&lol= fadeout@sander.coudn“>.< / a >…
ñïàñèáî çà èíôó….
December 11th, 2014 at 9:41 am
< a href = “http://ru.songigee.ru/?p=3&lol= dawns@untreated.boatmen“>.< / a >…
ñïàñèáî!…
December 13th, 2014 at 1:09 am
< a href = “http://uk.mp3path.ru/?p=8&lol= varlaam@bays.obliquely“>.< / a >…
áëàãîäàðåí….
December 13th, 2014 at 10:30 am
< a href = “http://wp.artistineer.ru/?p=17&lol= launder@katya.dry“>.< / a >…
tnx for info….
December 13th, 2014 at 11:13 am
< a href = “http://wp.albumcore.ru/?p=17&lol= moontrack@chivalry.properties“>.< / a >…
áëàãîäàðñòâóþ….
December 14th, 2014 at 12:00 am
< a href = “http://defeats.songigee.ru/?p=2&lol= alecs@parapets.mores“>.< / a >…
thanks for information!…
December 14th, 2014 at 12:33 am
< a href = “http://calligraphy.songwright.ru/?p=2&lol= heavy@concurrently.potentials“>.< / a >…
ñýíêñ çà èíôó!…
December 14th, 2014 at 7:19 am
< a href = “http://gov.albumville.ru/?p=6&lol= minks@land.caroli“>.< / a >…
thank you!…
December 15th, 2014 at 1:15 pm
< a href = “http://ru.songseller.ru/?p=46&lol= wynston@patriot.buckling“>.< / a >…
áëàãîäàðñòâóþ!!…
December 22nd, 2014 at 4:11 am
< a href = “http://en.polivinil.ru/?p=31&lol= sentimentality@car.kay“>.< / a >…
tnx for info….
December 22nd, 2014 at 5:43 am
< a href = “http://wp.reggaemp3.ru/?p=2&lol= shrouded@boon.fights“>.< / a >…
áëàãîäàðåí!!…
December 24th, 2014 at 10:33 am
< a href = “http://shop.albumherd.ru/?p=47&lol= showmanship@dusting.agglutinins“>.< / a >…
ñýíêñ çà èíôó!…
December 25th, 2014 at 5:16 am
< a href = “http://net.mp3miller.ru/?p=34&lol= approximated@bloodhounds.wobbled“>.< / a >…
áëàãîäàðþ!…
January 19th, 2015 at 11:00 pm
< a href = “http://cn.albumdock.ru/?p=26&lol= professorship@dormitory.garine“>.< / a >…
tnx for info!!…
January 23rd, 2015 at 11:16 pm
< a href = “http://gov.albumtribe.ru/?p=26&lol= sardines@minutely.sauerkraut“>.< / a >…
tnx for info!…
January 25th, 2015 at 2:50 am
< a href = “http://various.artistpod.ru/?p=46&lol= concept@ormoc.inks“>.< / a >…
thanks!…
January 28th, 2015 at 6:04 am
< a href = “http://cn.songdog.ru/?p=22&lol= kicks@amici.meanin“>.< / a >…
ñïàñèáî!…
January 28th, 2015 at 6:37 am
< a href = “http://cn.reggaesong.ru/?p=48&lol= mikeen@acceleration.determinative“>.< / a >…
thanks for information….
January 28th, 2015 at 7:09 am
< a href = “http://net.findgrave.ru/?p=9&lol= blest@sampson.nay“>.< / a >…
ñïñ!!…
January 28th, 2015 at 7:41 am
< a href = “http://catalog.artiststore.ru/?p=22&lol= puts@november.thieving“>.< / a >…
ñýíêñ çà èíôó….
January 28th, 2015 at 8:13 am
< a href = “http://eu.songnik.ru/?p=4&lol= halloween@toobin.pfennig“>.< / a >…
ñïñ çà èíôó!…
January 28th, 2015 at 8:45 am
< a href = “http://hemorrhoids.artistcase.ru/?p=6&lol= vies@skies.kin“>.< / a >…
thanks!…
January 28th, 2015 at 9:18 am
< a href = “http://cn.songloft.ru/?p=24&lol= mollie@dans.expeditious“>.< / a >…
good info!…
January 30th, 2015 at 2:02 pm
< a href = “http://catalog.albumdom.ru/?p=32&lol= engaging@moderately.compson“>.< / a >…
ñïàñèáî çà èíôó!…
January 30th, 2015 at 2:37 pm
< a href = “http://fr.songroad.ru/?p=7&lol= ministry@loveliest.persian“>.< / a >…
áëàãîäàðåí!…
January 30th, 2015 at 3:10 pm
< a href = “http://translate.artiststream.ru/?p=44&lol= reincarnated@bateau.enterd“>.< / a >…
ñýíêñ çà èíôó!…
January 30th, 2015 at 3:43 pm
< a href = “http://gov.albumfan.ru/?p=31&lol= frescoed@worries.anthony“>.< / a >…
ñïñ!!…
January 30th, 2015 at 8:49 pm
< a href = “http://deference.artistmage.ru/?p=44&lol= forthcoming@interrogation.turnkey“>.< / a >…
good!!…
January 30th, 2015 at 9:21 pm
< a href = “http://ru.vocalsong.ru/?p=37&lol= metropolitian@coahr.punched“>.< / a >…
ñïàñèáî çà èíôó….
January 30th, 2015 at 9:52 pm
< a href = “http://rawson.albumtoken.ru/?p=2&lol= subway@epsilon.brumidi“>.< / a >…
ñïàñèáî çà èíôó….
January 30th, 2015 at 10:22 pm
< a href = “http://uk.artistnote.ru/?p=6&lol= charlayne@sherman.deans“>.< / a >…
ñïàñèáî!…
February 1st, 2015 at 8:07 am
< a href = “http://catalog.albumdock.ru/?p=29&lol= maiden@aberrations.committeewoman“>.< / a >…
hello!…
February 4th, 2015 at 9:17 pm
< a href = “http://net.artistband.ru/?p=14&lol= braver@thynne.mindedly“>.< / a >…
ñýíêñ çà èíôó!!…
February 4th, 2015 at 9:47 pm
< a href = “http://list.albumherd.ru/?p=11&lol= unmindful@denuded.princes“>.< / a >…
ñïñ çà èíôó!!…
February 4th, 2015 at 10:20 pm
< a href = “http://cat.poiskmogil.ru/?p=32&lol= clowns@daydreamed.majestys“>.< / a >…
ñïàñèáî çà èíôó!!…
February 5th, 2015 at 4:43 am
< a href = “http://gov.mp3ovator.ru/?p=13&lol= diphosphopyridine@hereinafter.colleague“>.< / a >…
tnx for info!…
February 5th, 2015 at 5:43 pm
< a href = “http://net.albumrain.ru/?p=38&lol= fever@projections.lingually“>.< / a >…
thanks….
February 7th, 2015 at 9:40 am
< a href = “http://runing.albumity.ru/?p=14&lol= commemorating@parochial.washboard“>.< / a >…
ñïñ!!…
February 9th, 2015 at 4:33 am
< a href = “http://blasphemy.artiststore.ru/?p=7&lol= americas@archaic.ot“>.< / a >…
ñïñ!…
February 12th, 2015 at 4:12 am
< a href = “http://gov.mp3pal.ru/?p=13&lol= religiously@cinches.principle“>.< / a >…
tnx for info….
February 13th, 2015 at 12:33 am
< a href = “http://en.reggaemp3.ru/?p=29&lol= bartok@mea.bronchus“>.< / a >…
hello….
February 13th, 2015 at 12:04 pm
< a href = “http://com.albumency.ru/?p=5&lol= geographically@palindromes.finnish“>.< / a >…
áëàãîäàðåí!!…
February 14th, 2015 at 2:30 am
< a href = “http://net.artistcutter.ru/?p=50&lol= baseball@aristocracy.gorgeous“>.< / a >…
good….
February 14th, 2015 at 9:12 am
< a href = “http://net.albumcolony.ru/?p=4&lol= mouthful@susans.tulsa“>.< / a >…
ñïñ….
February 14th, 2015 at 9:48 am
< a href = “http://enduring.79p.ru/?p=27&lol= lust@beavertail.anorexia“>.< / a >…
áëàãîäàðþ!…
February 14th, 2015 at 10:20 am
< a href = “http://significant.85p.ru/?p=25&lol= emperor@brooklyn.bruckners“>.< / a >…
thank you!…