Things that were wrong on Alice’s “farm”
November 16th, 2006 at 9:55 am by sarahWhen Mike suggested that we do a farm-stay, I was all for it. A little hard work, learning about keeping animals and living off the land, how could it be a bad idea? Well, despite carefully selecting one, it just wasn’t what either of us had expected.
First, it wasn’t really a farm. Sure, they had some stuff growing in small patches of garden, but neither of these patches was the large fields that I’d envisioned. Honestly, they were the type of gardens someone in the suburbs might plant on a whim. There weren’t really any rows of plants, it looked as though it had be planted haphazardly, with absolutely no thought give to where things should be. My favorite was in the male pig and goat (one each) pen Alice pointed out a very small patch of green and said, that’s where the garlic grows. It was IN the pig field
The pigs weren’t that bad, actually. The littler pigletty ones were very cute, and enjoyed being petted. But while you were petting them the large, waist height scary pigs would come over. Remember that scene in the movie snatch? Yeah, I believe pigs would eat people. There was also an older pig that had trouble standing, and apparently had no teeth. Alice was certain she was dying, and seemed genuinely sad about it. Alice being a vegetarian, I naturally assumed these were pet pigs. Later on she’d decided it was time to put the pig down, and told us she could bring it to the butcher that did all their other pigs. Mike and I could help her load the pig in her car, she’d just put the seats down and that way she wouldn’t have to rent a trailer. Riiight.
Beyond that, there were the three jack russels. Killers. Buster enjoys finding and slaughtering rats. Betsy kills chickens (one while we were there) and has tried very hard to kill Sally. Sally, missing an ear from a Betsy attack, was 12, very sweet, and was kept tied up in the living room. Poor girl. Buster and Betsy we’re working on puppies, I shudder to think what sort of killing machines these two would produce.
Then there were the cats. Nice enough cats, until I caught sight of one pissing in the box Alice had set honeycomb and a knife in for mike to clean out. I saw her later by a puddle in the kitchen, god only knows where else it’d gone.
Apparently the farm was 50 acres, but it must have been all hill – vertical acres – because the land they were actually using around the house was maybe 5-6 acres. These steep hilly acres were where we had to drag the tree/logs. I’m sorry, I know that I’m not a very strong person, but expecting us to lift 2-3 ft chunks of tree weighing easily 40lbs down precarious paths was really just absurd. I wasn’t that much help, poor mike did the bulk of it, and though I tried dragging the logs around I had to give that up when I slipped and the log nearly pulled me down the hill with it. Yeah, not fun at all.
But really, it was the prospect of having to clean their bathroom. She’d given us a huge list of cleaning, washing floors and the like. None of which I would’ve minded, but it seemed she was just dreaming up chores that she’d never get around to herself. I missed the dog poo incident, but the kitchen floor smelled of piss as I washed it, and I thought I would never ever eat from it again. Mike and I waited until she left, and then unanimously decided it was time to go. Yeah, we fled, but we’re feeling pretty damn good about it. 
November 16th, 2006 at 10:32 am
sounds like you got while the gettin’ was good! Bummer it sucked, but made for a good story, thanks!
November 16th, 2006 at 12:50 pm
a GREAT story! Don and I will reread both accounts of your stay whenever we need a good laugh xxxooo jed and don. p.s. REALLY glad you moved on.
November 16th, 2006 at 1:46 pm
yikes! I am really impressed that you stayed that long. was it worse than boy scout camp (that’s what it made me tihnk of when you first mentioned it)? please do not bring Sam back any cat pee honey. ew ew ew ew ew. (ps – did you really sleep there? with one eye open and a bottle of hand sanitizer?)
November 17th, 2006 at 4:37 am
Those poor dogs. I didn’t know that Jack Russells had such a killer instinct. I think you were wise to get out of there before the dogs, cats and pigs ganged up on you.
This did seem to be the begining of a very bad 80’s horror movie. I imagine the dying pig switching bodies with one of you. Mike trapped in the pigs body trying to communicate with sarah before he gets slaughtered and the pig in Mike’s body rolling in mud, much to Sarah’s confusion.
November 17th, 2006 at 6:48 pm
The first day/night I wanted to cry just a little. Steff, it was EXACTLY like the boyscout camp! I actually told mike that story while I bleached the toilet in our hovel so I could use it. (Nearly puking while I did it.) We slept, very poorly, on our itchy, dusty little bed that was concave from age and lack of boxspring. (the bricks it rested on doing little for support)
IT WAS a bad 80’s horror movie, we kept waiting for the guy to come in through the window with his chainsaw…
November 18th, 2006 at 4:57 am
Sam,
We need a map of where Alice’s is on their trip so that anyone else going to NZ knows to avoid that piece of the world!!!
R
November 18th, 2006 at 12:34 pm
Yeh Sam, where is our map- we’re counting on you!!!! Jed xxoo
November 18th, 2006 at 3:54 pm
Here it is! Sorry it took so long!
http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=547509
you guys are speeding through NZ!
November 19th, 2006 at 2:38 am
Glad to see you are enjoying trip other than the jack russels, pictures have been great.
November 19th, 2006 at 5:53 am
Here’s a satellite picture of the Henley area (where the ‘farm’ was) satellite image
November 19th, 2006 at 5:56 am
Here’s a nice closeup of Dunedin
November 19th, 2006 at 7:26 am
THANK YOU SAM!!!!!! YOU”RE GREAT>>>
November 21st, 2006 at 6:54 am
thanks!!!
November 21st, 2006 at 2:42 pm
hey, Sam, thanks for putting up the maps and the satellite photos. you’ve got our trip route down pretty accurately. if you zoom in on the intersection of Henley Rd and Christies Gulley Road, the first house on the corner is where we stayed. don’t be fooled by what looks like big fields behind it, they must belong to the neighboring place. you can also see the crazy hill track that we dragged logs along.
November 21st, 2006 at 4:21 pm
oh that is so awesome that we can see the actual site of the dirty filthy hovel!! (also, sorry about the dirty filthy hovel).
November 25th, 2006 at 2:31 am
I hope you got pictures of the dirty filthy hovel!!! xxxooo mom
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